Note: This post is going to be sexually explicit. I’m not going to super gross or anything, but yeah, there’s going to be talk of like, dicks and blowjobs and fingering and stuff. If you don’t want to read that, you can skip this whole thing. If you really want to read part of it, it’s pretty obvious what part not to read, I think, but if you fuck up, I’m not gonna be liable.
Well. It’s been a while since I posted the last thing that I posted, but I can make it up to you in other ways. I’m wriggling my eyebrows right now. You can’t see it because I’m not one of those youtube videoblog types. Anyway, it’s Friday afternoon and I have a story. A pretty good story. I’ll tell you in a minute, but first I have to make progress in the overarching story arc, the one about me not starving to death in Japan.
I am very, very lucky. I will, at a later date, speculate on why I am so lucky, but for now, you’re going to just have to bear with me. About twice a day, something very good happens to me. I call these “gifts” or “miracles” depending on how crazy they end up being. Once, I was playing my favorite arcade game and a dude came up to me, gave me some very rare cards because I was just starting and left. Shit just happens.
One of the things that happened was that I ran into a guy at a bar who knew some English teachers. Moreover, he knew an English teacher that had just quit her job and therefore, knew of an opening. I met with that English teacher and she promised to introduce me to her boss, because I want to teach English.
So, the first part of yesterday was waking up very early (11am, oh no!) and talking to some very, very nice people about how corporate handles hiring but if they send me here it’d be super great because I seem really great. Also, corporate happened to be in the building, so I got to awkwardly introduce myself. Hopefully that helps somewhere.
The second part involved me shopping (shampoo and aftershave), going home and taking a nap. I woke up really late, so I walked into Tenjin to get some food. I go to this little place called the Kurobuta Brothers (literally black pig brothers). They have a vending machine that you pay to get these paper tickets, then you hand the tickets to the chef. Basically, it’s a restaurant without any servers. Also, the machine has pictures, so it’s nice when I don’t feel like trying to order in Japanese. They serve ramen and fried rice and are open 24 hours. The dudes who work there know me by name.
It was still kind of early, so I went to the arcade for a bit. I’m kind of a giant fucking nerd, so I really like this card game-arcade machine thing. It’s a monstrosity, is what it is. If I weren’t such a lazy dick lately, I’d have gotten some pictures and done a write-up of it on Wednesday, when I wasn’t busy. Anyway, I play that for like two hours and walk out with a slightly better idea of how to play the game without losing so fast.
It’s almost-but-not-quite 11pm when I walk into the Cloughb. I just want those of you reading at home to know that all eyes were, in fact, on me. Mostly because it was just like six dudes sitting around. I got a whisky on the rocks (with my free drink ticket that comes with the $10 cover). The dudes were all glaring at me, too. Let’s be real here: Dudes take courtship way too seriously. I’m just out to hang out, practice Japanese, and maybe make some lady-friends.
Luckily, things on that front didn’t develop. I ran into my pal Shogo. I had met Shogo at the same club (Infinity) last Saturday. His English is really good and he’s just generally fun to be around. He introduces me to his friend and we sit around chatting while the club slowly starts to fill up. His friend doesn’t speak English and is, for some reason, to scared to speak Japanese with me. I think he was pretty hammed.
A note on Japanese clubs: They open at 10, they don’t have people until midnight, they’re pretty quiet until 2am, and they don’t close until 6am. This is true of all clubs in Fukuoka that I know of.
So, Shogo’s buddy insists we do a Tequila shot, for which I thank him. I actually tried to buy the next round, but he wandered away. Honestly, he didn’t need another drink. There were a few pairs of girls at that point, but there was really no energy flowing at all, so I made it a point to talk to each of them. The first table I walked up to blew me out really fast, but in retrospect, one of the girls was really drunk, so her friend probably just thought I was creepy and trying to take a semi-conscious body home.
I switched hats with another girl. Honestly, I’m not sure that I’d condone it in terms of like, “pick-up advice.” It’s probably not even a good idea. What it IS, is fun. I am a proponent of fun. I switched hats with her so efficiently, that she didn’t even notice until she saw me with her hat on. Oh, I’m so clever. She wasn’t as amused as I was, which is fine. If she doesn’t think hat-switching is funny, then I really don’t want to be wasting my time with her.
Shogo’s friend bought a bottle of Champagne for like $60 and handed drinks to everyone. Man, that’s two really nice ties, and it was down in minutes. Worse, he didn’t actually follow up with the girls that he was buying drinks for. Maybe he just honestly thought they needed a drink. I hope so. Soon after that, they excused themselves to leave. They both had work at 5am and it was a little after midnight.
I retreated back to the corner where I had my coat. Then, I decided that it was too dark and moved to the center of the floor. For a long time, dancing was technically illegal in Fukuoka. I think that law has been overturned, but none of the clubs have actual dance floors. It’s just tables. Interestingly, the girls all grab the tables and the guys stand awkwardly by the door. I’m pretty sure that if I properly understood Japanese dating culture, I wouldn’t be able to be part of it.
Anyway, I’m just sitting there, maxing, relaxing all cool when a couple of girls start talking about me. People aren’t really subtle about it when they like/dislike/notice me; they spend a lot of time pointing and looking in my direction. I make eye contact with one of them and crook my finger at her. She didn’t come over, instead opting to wave me over to their table. Still, in terms of like…moves, I like that one. I’ll have to use it again sometime.
They’re cute, but they’re both wearing a lot of makeup. One of them has like, inch-long acrylic nails and the other has her hair in that bizarre mating plumage hostesses do. Still, I start talking to them. They’re actually on a trip up from Osaka, where they live. They’re both hostesses, actually, and they seem relieved when I tell them I used to host. Probably because they don’t need to try to explain Hostess Clubs that in broken Japanese.
Anyway, the one with the Freddy Kruger nails is Yuho, the one with the hair is Miho. I am not making this shit up, but Yuho’s name might actually be different. I’m sorry! The club was really loud and her name is in my phone in Kanji. Yuho is super interested in me and super forward. I’m always worried around hostesses (since their job is basically to string men along for money), so I’m really cautious.
Oh, looks like I changed to present tense like…three paragraphs back. This is why I’m not a real writer. I’m not fixing it. I have an application to fill out and a comedy show to go to in the next two hours. And I should probably shower. I was actually having a lot of fun. They might be a touch slutty, but they knew how to party. Miho’s Japanese was really easy to understand and Yuho kept going up to the same boring girls I’d been talking to earlier and trying to get them to dance. She eventually managed to succeed, which I really didn’t think was possible.
They started getting kind of competitive on me. Yuho kept pulling me in to dance and feeding me her redbull-vodka, whereas Miho would sort of push Yuho out onto the dance floor and then ditch her, then come back and talk to me. Yuho’s opinion was that Miho was no fun and Miho’s opinion was that Yuho was a drunken lunatic. I eventually decided that I preferred Miho, simply because I worried that Yuho was too drunk to make adult decisions. That’s not quite true, she never gave indication that she was already drunk, or even was more inebriated than the two of us. She simply had the attitude that she’d be okay if the night ended with her facedown in a toilet. After the way last Friday ended, I wasn’t too excited about that possibility.
Finally Ryan (Infinity’s owner) comes in and I dart over to say hi. I won’t pretend I didn’t enjoy the push-pull of two girls half-heartedly fighting over me, but it WAS kind of exhausting. Ryan pours out a line of shots and starts handing them out. Tequila, of course. I got to lick hands and apply salt, which was fun. In retrospect, I should have gone for a body shot. I mean, it’s on my bucket-list.
Miho kept getting pulled away by other guys. I’m not the jealous type and I was pretty comfortable walking home alone last night. That said, I didn’t like that she was literally being pulled away. I tried to stay close enough to where I could intervene if she was not digging it. With my friends at home, we have a signal. Here, I figured her slapping his hand away was probably about right. I only had to do it once and I was as polite as I could be while still conveying a, “listen, I’ve only known this girl like two hours, but if you rape ANYONE here, I’m going to need to remove your balls.” Also, Yuho was hitting on me pretty hard, so I kind of switched focus. And by “hitting on me” I mean, “feeding me drinks, one sip at a time, with her mouth.”
When Yuho actually climbed into my lap (which, considering the high seats at the table, was like, super dangerous), I decided to call for our check. Metaphorically. I brought up the idea of maybe going and exploring karaoke, or another bar. She liked that idea, she said, with her teeth around my collarbone, but we had to find Miho first.
Yuho promptly disappeared. Almost as soon as she did, Miho came back. I, again, proposed the idea of leaving. That was fine, and she’d really like to leave with me, but we had to find Yuho first. She wasn’t in the (relatively small) club, so I posited that she was probably in the bathroom. We waited outside the bathroom for a long time, joking that she was probably throwing up. One of my other friends (a gaijin I met earlier) came over to try to wingman for me. I honestly don’t know what he said to Miho (my Japanese class didn’t cover it), but she started kissing me. When I started kissing her back, she got shy, probably because my new buddy was still standing right there. She was….very…passionate. Passionate in this case meaning grabbing my ass, a lot.
I generally don’t make a deal of two-timing women, especially with their friends, but I think this might be a fair exception. I really didn’t have a lot of choice.
Yuho came back out looking like she didn’t throw up and got like, super cuddly on my arm. I finally managed to rally the troops and leave the club, which was a concern less because I was worried someone was going to poach my ladies and more because I really, really did not want to hold anyone’s head out of the toilet.
After we walked outside, we had to actually figure out what we were going to do. The girls were still kind of fighting over me, so I had to be the one to pick where we were going. I knew a good sushi restaurant right down the street, because I am a goddamn badass and we were in my neck of the woods. When we got there, they decided they’d rather have ramen instead. Which….put us at Kurobuta Brothers, right next door to my sushi restaurant. I really eat there way too much.
I had the Mentaiko Ramen, which is some kind of spicy cod roe ramen. It’s a Fukuoka specialty and it’s delicious. I also found out that Miho has a boyfriend. Oops. Well, I didn’t know at the time.
After dinner (or whatever meal that is) we went back to their hotel. I’d given up on Miho at this point and I wasn’t really sure how this was going to work, but with the amount of rapid-fire Japanese going on, they had some kind of plan.
Miho excused herself to take a shower. A very loud “I can’t hear anything” shower. I’m surprised she didn’t sing. As soon as the coast was clear, Yuho just fucking pounced on me. Man, that’s a good friend right there. “We’re all sharing the same bed later, but I’m going to step out so you can bang this guy.”
She really wasn’t as drunk as I’d anticipated, I suppose, and she was in a hurry. I was taking my sweet time kissing her neck and she grabbed both my hands and pushed them between her legs. I actually didn’t even realize she came until the third time. We didn’t actually have sex. It wasn’t discussed or anything, just a silent agreement that that we probably shouldn’t be doing that. That said, hostesses give really good blowjobs. I mean, just saying.
Yuho went to take a shower. I’m sure if I were Hugh Hefner, I probably could have worked it into a threesome, but I’m not and I didn’t and we were all super tired. After Yuho scrubbed off all her makeup, she was actually really, really hot. I kind of wish she’d done it before we…uh…I don’t know what verb to use here. Exchanged favors.
Still, I got to sleep in a bed with two attractive ladies, so I mean, that’s definitely a success in my book.
After I said my goodbyes (they had sightseeing to see and I wanted to get more sleep), I realized that the hotel is less than two blocks from where I’m staying. I walk by it every day.